What if you were sent major pain, not only to learn from it, but to help others, too?

-A line from The Daily Love

Earlier today I met again with the patients in a community based rehabilitation. Again, similar to what I learned from my internship in the psychiatric ward last summer, I have been reminded that everybody carries a cross. I used to feel that I was in so much pain that none of my psychology books, lessons from lectures, not even professional advice could help me.

So I tried to give meaning from what I experienced. Yes I developed that habit thanks to my majors. In an application of my course called real life, I learned why the “Vicious Cycle of Depression” was called vicious. Though many tears have been wasted, a lot more lessons were learned. Those of which to keep my guard not to repeat the same mistakes and experience the same pain.

Until I met some other patients. What a shame I called myself “in pain” or “helpless”. These patients have been struggling with their condition every single day, for n years. And there I was, healed by God’s grace, seeing other people go through a vicious cycle that is hard to get out of. So maybe, just maybe, the pain I felt was not only for me to learn, not only for my own good, but for the better of others? It may seem big to think that I could help these people feel better, but the pieces just fit perfectly and beautifully.

Therapy

Restless. That’s what I have been the past three weeks. But the question is, since almost everyone is feeling the same way too, what keeps you going?

A patient made me happy today. Last week, too, actually. Patient X suffered the consequences of a cerebrovascular accident, also known as stroke. Me and my partner have been meeting with stroke patients since last month, and I can say that although this study we’re doing involves intensive reading, writing, analyzing and interpreting, I became even more interested and motivated to go deeper because of the things I learn from them.

It’s just so amazing how the process of relating to patients work, whether it’s with mental patients (from my internship in the Psychiatric clinic) or medical patients (whom I am currently dealing with). It starts with you trying to get the patient to confide to you and let them know that you’re there to sincerely help them, not really to be cured, but to feel better about their condition. Then, as the rapport is built, and you feel that they trust you and opens up to you on their deepest fears, worries, struggles, it’s as if they are the ones who become therapeutic for you. Their hope, resilience, optimism that things can get better; it’s like I’m the one receiving therapy. But it works both ways, and that’s what keeps me going. :)

So how did Patient X made my day?

Aside from making me laugh by his snide remarks and occasional teasing during and after the psychological testing, he was so generous to me and my partner. I offered that we would walk with him on his way home, but then he treated us to dinner first. We really didn’t want to, cause we were too shy to be “treated” by a patient, haha, but he really wanted to cause he said he was thankful for us. For keeping him company, for sparing time alone that saddens him, for hoping that he could really go through it all with a smile on his face.

After dinner, he said he wanted to go to the mall to buy books. Reading is mainly his leisure activity since the occurence of CVA. Again, I offered that me and my partner would at least take him there, but we ended up not wanting to leave so we were with him the whole time. We went to a book sale, a jeepney ride from his home, and there I knew his interests: thriller/crime/suspense novels were his type. He bought two books and then saw me reading a psychological book by Carl Jung. He looked at the cover as I was reading, asked me what it was about, and immediately and forcefully grabbed it from me to the counter. He paid for the book! I was so shy and thankful, but he said, “You’re my friend, so you shouldn’t be shy just by something like this.” I blushed even more. This made my day.


So much thankful, for my dear patient. :)

Scars

Four: There is nothing rational about love. Your love stutters when it gets nervous. Your love trips over its own shoelaces. Love is clumsy and my heart refuses to wear a helmet.

Five: Cupid is fucking irresponsible. And I’m tired of him using me for target practice.

Six: I was told that time would heal all wounds, but what exactly do you do on days when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis?

When Love Arrives

Saw this beautiful word poetry on youtube. I’m not really into poetry but I sure am not numb to not appreciate this. And Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye put my disorganized thoughts about love into beautiful words. Here are my favorite lines:

Love is not what you are expecting. Love is not what you can predict. Maybe love is in New York City already asleep. You are in California, Australia, wide awake. Maybe love is always in the wrong timezone.

Maybe love is not ready for you. Maybe you are not ready for love. Maybe love just isn’t the marrying type.

Maybe love is only there for a month. Maybe love stays. Maybe love can’t. Maybe love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when love is supposed to and love leaves exactly when love must.

When love arrives, say, “Welcome. Make yourself comfortable.” If love leaves, ask her to leave the door open behind her. Turn off the music. Listen to the quiet. Whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.”

I found a copy of the full poem here

Before the August Rush

I created this blog primarily for a reason I have failed to keep lately: To TAKE NOTE of the little things and stuff there is everyday. JULY has been SUPER jam packed, since the overrated pictorial for Graduation, to my 20th birthday and my friends’ birthday celebrations, and other more moments that made me feel alive. A thousand pictures on my SLR have piled up (and they are mostly faces of vain friends haha) that I haven’t uploaded even on facebook. So yeah, I feel bad that I couldn’t update or post how much fun I’ve had the previous month so allow me to make up for it in the following posts. I shall upload a visual record, SOON.

Meanwhile, this is how I celebrated the first day of August Rush. With my best friend, Edith. There was a strong rush of the wind the whole day but we still went out of the dorm, to the mall, just because.

I’m really thankful for the month that had passed by so fast. I like the fact that I am finally, after so long, able to enjoy again and lessen negative feelings by learning a little something on invulnerability and gratitude. Oh my do I sound old? Oh I don’t give a ssh. Gonna enjoy more and be productive this August. Thesis I am ready for yoouuu!

PISENLAB! :D

Break-up Soundtrack

I haven’t written anything here about my break up experience except for the drawings inspired by it.  So I guess this is a first.

It was the first time I got in a relationship and now it is already over and done. Thus, my first break-up… and it huuuurt as hell. I didn’t know it would be that bad, the way things could end when it used to feel like it would last forever. Then I learned forever is bullshit. I’m not going to elaborate though on what and why it ended, that’s not necessary I think. It’s already been 3 months and a couple of days since then and I can say at least that I feel and I am a lot better now.

In the process of healing and getting over, there are people and things that helped me make it through eventually. These are: PRAYERS + friends + a lot of crying (for a while it helped in the process of catharsis but it had to end too) drawing + writing  + 9gag + good music.

Funny is that when I was going through this heartbreak, it feels like all those songs I hear comes alive. There are songs where the words feel like it was from me but someone wrote it first and sang it for me. There are songs that makes me feel empowered with hope and strength to carry on. And then there are songs that makes me want to die. I just had to close my ears and talk loudly when I inevitably had to hear those like in the jeepney or from your neighbor’s annoying playlist.

These are the songs I listened to and related to so much at that time:

  • Breakeven- The Script
  • Nothing Last Forever- Maroon 5
  • Over You- Daughtry
  • Wrong Man- Paul Gilbert
  • Split-screen Sadness- John Mayer
  • Better That We Break- Maroon 5

And I thank the God of music for these feel good songs that made me feel better:

  • Fuckin Perfect- Pink
  • Gonna Get Over You- Sara Bareilles
  • Better in Time- Leona Lewis
  • Being Strong- Josie
  • I Will Survive- Cake

Then there’s that song that just automatically and repeatedly plays in my mind for months now. They said it best. No they said it perfectly. Gotye and Kimbra, I couldn’t agree more with you guys.

and then a famous philosopher once said,

It’s time to let your hair down

and give yourself permission.

It takes courage and control,

and you start by letting go.”

-Brandon Boyd, Courage and Control

The Urge to Control

    Often times in one group or even subgroup there is always that person who at the back of your mind you wish wasn’t there because he or she is very manipulative. controlling. bossy. <insert more synonyms here for emphasis>.

    Just the other day, we were on duty when a “scene” happened during our break. Tension arose over just a simple issue as one of us tried to be the boss of the rest of us. She yelled at us, commanded, like we aren’t even friends at all. Maybe it was because of that formula that triggered it: heat + tiredness + restlessness + more heat = hot heads. But maybe it was something more, and it only came to me that day when the situation got intense.

  Maybe it’s situational? But that person reacts the same way when she doesn’t get what she wants. So maybe it’s dispositional.  So you know he or she is controlling. That’s the first step- recognition. And with that in mund, unless you’re okay with being manipulated and think that’s bearable for you, the last thing you might want to do is tolerate it and consider yourself inferior to him or her. It is important that you process both your and the controller’s action with full awareness. Usually, a controller would push that he is always right and what you think is not considerable. This person I know throws tantrums when things don’t go her way. But of course I wouldn’t tolerate that. See, this manipulation is a form of emotional abuse, and like any other abuse, you can’t get out of it if you won’t draw the line.

Unless it’s my parents, no one else can pull my strings easily.

To be in control is a good thing. To be controlling is not. There is a big difference.

here check this out People who are controlling